The James Comey Testimony: How It Should Have Ended

(With apologies to How It Should Have Ended)

Transcript of former FBI Director James Comey, 2017-06-08

James Comey Sworn In

James Comey Sworn In

Senator Stone (L, Iowa): Director Comey, I want to be clear on a point. You just testified that you gave your notes to friends who then leaked them to the press. And that your intent was to trigger the appointment of a Special Prosecutor.

Former FBI Director Comey: That’s correct, Senator.

Stone: Good God, man! What the hell gave you the right to make that decision?

Comey: As I’ve testified, Senator —

Stone: I know what you’ve already testified to. I want to know, very specifically: what gave you the authority to decide a Special Prosecutor was warranted; and then what gave you the authority to take secret action to trigger its creation?

Comey: Senator, as I’ve said, I felt the matter was important enough to —

Stone: If you felt the matter was so important, Director, why didn’t you bring it to the attention of a member of this Committee? I assure you, Director, that I would have been happy to move the matter forward, as would any member of this Committee.

[General murmuring of agreement from those Senators neither insane nor senile.]

Comey: I guess if I had been stronger —

US Flag and ConstitutionStone: “Stonger”? It’s not a matter of strength, it’s of authority! What the hell gave you the right to bypass your co-workers, the Department of Justice, this Committee, the Senate, the Congress, the Constitution, and the entire American people?

Comey: As I said, if I’d been stronger —

Stone: That’s nonsense, and you know it. I’ll tell you the real reason: because you — and possibly your entire former agency and beyond — do not trust your elected representatives. You think we’re insane and senile and stupid. I will grant you, Director, that there is some basis for that —

[General grunts of surprise as various Committee members are prodded to full consciousness by their flunkies.]

Stone: — but there are clearly those of us on this Committee who are neither senile nor insane nor stupid. Let us posit for a moment, Director, that there are none on this Committee who could be entrusted with this matter. Surely there is some Congressman or Senator that can be trusted? Perhaps a Senator or Congressman from your own State?

Comey: Senator, I don’t think you’re being fair.

Stone: How dare you speak of fairness! On your own — you, James Comey — made a decision that affected the lives of over 350 million individuals! How dare you? I demand that you explain yourself!

Comey: Senator, I think you’ll find that the FBI is fair.

Stone: I’m not talking about the FBI, I’m talking about you. What gives you and you alone the right to make a decision affecting the lives of three hundred fifty million people! Answer me, sir! Don’t gather your thoughts — answer me instantly!

Comey: Sir, I resent this line of questioning.

Stone: Wrong answer, McComey! James Brien Comey Jr., as a private citizen, as Senator from the great State of Iowa, and in the name of the United States Senate, I place you under arrest. The charge is violation of the Espionage Act — and while I’m at it, I’m throwing in treason. You had no right, sir, no right whatsover! Sergeant-At-Arms, take Director Comey into custody.

Comey: You have no right to do this, Senator!

Stone: Director, I have every right, and now here are yours: you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney and to have one present during questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided to you free of charge. Do you understand your rights, Director Comey?

James Comey being arrested for Treason.

“Goddammit, you can’t do this to me!”

Comey: Goddammit, you can’t do this to me!

Stone: I can and I have. Do you understand these rights as I have explained them to you, Director Comey?

Comey: You know fucking well I know my rights!

Stone: Do you wish to give up your right to remain silent, Director Comey?

Comey: I’m gonna get you, you son of a bitch.

Stone: I take it that you have abrogated your right to remain silent. Sergeant-At-Arms, have the prisoner removed from the room. He is to be immediately remanded to Federal Marshals and placed in solitary confinement. No one is to speak to him. Should he make any movements — even hand gestures — he is to be bound-and-gagged. I should like to speak to the judge assigned to the arraignment. Mr. Chairman, I assume that with no witness to question, the Committee is in recess?

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