An Open Letter To Mark Penn

Dear Mr. Penn:

Having recently watched a video of an MSNBC program on which you were a guest, I thought it might be helpful for you if I quoted the late Bill Hicks:

By the way, if anyone here is in marketing or advertising … kill yourself.  No joke here, really. Seriously: if you are, do.

No, really:  there’s no rationalization for what you do and you are Satan’s little helpers.

Kill yourself — seriously.  You are the ruiner of all things good.

Seriously.

Kill yourself.

I know you’re all waiting for a joke coming, but there’s no fucking joke coming.

You are Satan’s spawn.  You are filling the world with violent garbage.  You are fucked and you are fucking us.  Kill yourself. It is the only way to save your fucking soul.  Kill yourself.

I know all the Marketing people are going, “He’s doing a joke — ”

No, there’s no joke here whatsoever.

Suck a tail pipe, hang yourself, get a pistol — I don’t care how you do it, just rid the world of your evil fucking machinations.

I know what all the Marketing people are thinking right now:

“Oh, you know what Bill’s doing?  He’s going for that anti-marketing dollar.  That’s very smart.”

No, man, I’m not doing that, you evil scumbags!

“Oooooh, you know what bill’s doing now?  He’s going for that righteous indignation dollar.  That’s a big dollar — a lot of people are feeling that indignation.  We’ve done research — huge market.  He’s doing a good thing!”

Goddammit, I’m not doing that, you scumbags!  Quit putting a dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet!

“Oooooh, the anger dollar!  Huge — huge in times of recession!  Bill’s very bright to do that!”

God, I’m caught in a fucking web!

“Oooooh, the trapped dollar!  Big dollar, huge dollar!  Look at our research:  we see that many feel trapped, and we play to them and separate them and — ”

I bet you sleep like fucking babies at night, don’t you?  You go home, the wife asks, “What’d you do today, honey?” and you say:

“Oh, we made arsenic a childhood food, now.  Good night!” and you sleep like fucking children, don’t you?

That fairly well sums up my attitude regarding you.  Anyone who can think up the notion that a terrorist bombing would be good for a President is … well, again I’ll simply point you back to Mr. Hicks’ comments on the subject, above.

Ordinarily, I’d sign an email with something like, “all the best” or “yours sincerely”, but since I clearly wish you nothing but the earliest possible grave that you can arrange for yourself, I’ll simply end with:

Make sure the garage door is closed,

Bill Stone

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